Scott Abels' suggestions:
For your neighborhood masturbator: My Vocabulary Did This To Me: The Collected Poetry of Jack Spicer, Edited by Peter Gizzi (Wesleyan, 2008)
For the MBA in your life: Harryette Mullen, Recyclopedia (Graywolf, 2006)
For the honey lover and big oil: The Georgics of Virgil. Any edition that can fit in their pocket.
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Originally from Nebraska, Scott Abels has an MFA from Boise State University. His poems can be found online at Spooky Boyfriend, Past Simple, Sawbuck, No Tell Motel, Shampoo, and Action Yes. Currently, he lives and teaches in Honolulu.